


5 Times Matt Cullen Came Out

by downjune



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 5 Times, Coming Out, M/M, Religious Discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 19:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17925197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/downjune/pseuds/downjune
Summary: “I’ve thought about it every day since I got drafted," Matt said quietly. "Since I got married. Every time I come to a new team. Every day.”“That’s long enough,” Sully said, voice clipped. “I know Jim’s with me on this. We’ll back your play, son, however you wanna come at this."





	5 Times Matt Cullen Came Out

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write Matt Cullen for ages, but none of the relationships he has on the team seemed to fill out a whole fic, so I put them all into this one :) And I know the traditional "coming out" story can get overdone or whatever, but I'm not sure I've ever really written one? And I wanted to. So, kickin' it old school with a 5 times +1 coming out story.
> 
> Also: some [very important](http://itstartledme.tumblr.com/post/152914512194/trevordales-110216-smiley-birthday-pregame) [Matt Cullen](http://itstartledme.tumblr.com/post/164644791393/hazel3017-what-do-you-say-babe-for-anon) [and Sid](http://itstartledme.tumblr.com/post/179461861549/pullthetriggersidney-im-crying-in-the-room) content. And Tom Kuhnhackl definitely said [this](http://itstartledme.tumblr.com/post/170154195113/intermissionpenguins-on-matt-cullen-hes-for) about his relationship with Cully.
> 
> See end note for Cullen family name changes.

5 Times Matt Cullen Came Out (+ 1 Time Someone Came Out to Him)

1 

“I’ve been thinking about my legacy, I guess. Not just what people are gonna remember me for, but what will make me proud. And if I retire without doing this, I think it’ll be a real missed opportunity. So I know this isn’t what you were expecting when you signed me to come back this year, but I hope I can have your go-ahead.” 

Matt took a breath and looked up from where he’d interlaced his fingers between his knees. He was sweating into his dress shirt as Jim Rutherford watched him from across the desk, hands folded like Matt’s were on his blotter. Coach leaned against the wall, hands in his suit-pants pockets, eyes on Matt, his expression severe as ever.

There had probably been a better time to do this than right before the season opener, but any time prior to retirement would have been inconvenient. Matt had run out of time and also fucks. He had very few of those left to give, though he offered a few here, to the guys who’d given him one more chance.

“Son,” Jim started, then paused. “Matt, you do have a legacy. You’ve won three Cups, and you’re chasing a fourth this year.”

“Yes, sir.” Matt ducked his gaze again. “But with all due respect, this is different.”

“Have you spoken with your family about this? What do your boys think?”

Sully straightened from the wall. “Jim—”

“Well, there’s gonna be consequences, Mike, for everyone. Not just him.” Rutherford looked up at his head coach and over at Matt. Forty-two years old, on his way out, making just over league minimum—Matt was not important enough to make this kind of mess for his team. “I wanna be sure he’s thought this through.”

“I have,” Matt answered quietly, eyes low. “I’ve thought about it every day since I got drafted. Since I got married. Every time I come to a new team. Every day.”

“That’s long enough,” Sully said, voice clipped. “I know Jim’s with me on this. We’ll back your play, son, however you wanna come at this. We’re just thinking it through.” Coach was only eight years older than him, but like hell was Matt giving him any guff for the _‘son’_ in this moment, when his heart threatened to bust out of his ribs. 

“Thank—” Matt cleared his throat. “Thank you. I want to do this right. Work with You Can Play—give Matty a chance to shine as the rep.”

Sully nodded. “I think that’s smart.”

“I’m concerned about your family,” Jim said, stubborn like he could be sometimes. “Your boys made friends here. They’re part of the community. Will they be here for the school year? You’ll get a few questions about them, I’m sure.”

“Jen can nip those in the bud from the beats,” Sully said quickly.

“All that is in the works,” Matt said, which was technically true. “Laura and I are figuring out what’s best for the kids.”

Sully and Jim shared a long look before Jim finally nodded. “Fine. That’s fine. Keep us in the loop. Talk to Murr and let us know what you decide to do.”

Matt nodded and pushed to his feet, escape within his grasp, relief making his head light. “I will. And thank you.” He played his last card. “I knew this was the club for me to do this. I’ve never been as proud of a group as I am here.”

They both smiled at that, though Jim’s was a little thinner. He would always be the tougher sell. Sully only cared about his players and whether they could do their job. Jim had considerably more on his plate. 

After shaking hands with both of them, Matt pulled his coach into a quick hug. 

“Congrats,” Sully said, clapping him on the shoulder. “We’re real proud of you.” 

“Thank you,” Matt said again. He backed out of the room as quickly as he could without turning and running. As he made his way down to the locker room, it was still mostly relief he felt—but relief that walking into the room with the rest of the guys, none of them knew what he’d just told their coach and GM. He could still undo this if he wanted. He’d pulled a trigger, but there were so damn _many_ with this, he could turn around, go back up and say, “Nevermind!”

But when he spotted Matty in his stall, climbing into his gear for warmup, emotion lodged in his throat. Or maybe it was just the truth on its way out. 

2

“This is cool,” Murr said, looking around the juice bar. “I’ve never been here before. I know you love it, though.”

Matt glanced at the clean lines and bright colors of the bar. Blenders whirred behind the counter and the staff brightly greeted everyone before they ordered. Matt did love this place.

“Yeah, I could never get the boys turned on to it, but I made peace with that. Probably a bad idea to give them a taste for expensive juice, anyway.”

“Well, what’s good?” Murr asked, hands in the pockets of his sweats, neck craned back to examine the menu board above the counter. He slid Matt a quick, sidelong look, confirming that he did indeed find it weird that Matt had invited him out for juice on a Saturday morning. They didn’t hang out outside team stuff. Murr was almost twenty years younger than him. This was weird.

Matt ordered his favorite juice blend for them both, treated Matty to a gluten free carrot muffin for breakfast—Matt himself had eaten hours ago—and led them over to the counter seating by the window. 

“Thanks, man,” Matty said around a huge bite of muffin. Then he lifted his juice in a toast before sucking a swallow through the straw. “This is awesome,” he said with a slow, sleepy smile.

“I told you,” Matt answered. “You don’t even taste the kale, right?”

Murr shook his head. “Probably still gonna end up in my teeth, though.” He took another swallow, and when Matt didn’t say anything, he finally asked, “So what’s up? Not that I don’t appreciate breakfast…” 

Matt nodded and stared down at the paper napkin collecting condensation beneath his cup. “There’s something I wanna run by you. Since you’re our rep.” He glanced up to see Matty blinking at him, expression blank. “Our You Can Play rep,” Matt clarified.

“Oh. Right, of course.” Murr seemed to grow taller then, sitting up straighter in his seat and leaning a little toward Matt. As far as Matt knew, there hadn’t been much opportunity for him to act in his official capacity beyond YCP night—rainbow tape on his stick and pictures with a few kids. “What’s up?” he asked. “You wanna get involved? That’d be great.”

“Yeah,” Matt answered carefully. He spun his cup in place. “I’d like to work with you to come up with something special.”

“Like what?”

“Well…this is my last year playing. For real this time, I’m pretty sure.” Murr huffed quietly. They’d all heard that line before. “I want to go out having contributed something personal. Having, uh, changed the game for the better in some way.” He chanced a look at Murr to see his brows drawn together in a frown.

“Matty, I’m gay,” he said in a rush. “And I want you to help me come out to the rest of the league before I retire.”

Those thick eyebrows shot upward. “Oh. Okay. Holy fuck. I mean, shit. I mean—sorry. Jesus.” He winced. “Sorry, that was just—not at all what I expected.”

“What were you expecting?” Matt asked, his whole body buzzing with adrenalin, like he’d made some crazy play. Or committed the worst turnover of his career. He couldn’t tell yet whether he felt amazing or if he was about to puke. 

“I don’t know, some advice or something. I thought maybe Coach wanted you to talk to me about my confidence. Since Flower’s gone and last year sucked, you’re my new keeper or whatever.”

“I’m not your new keeper,” Matt said definitively.

“Yeah, I was ready to be pissed about it. But, holy shit, sorry, this isn’t about me. Holy shit.” Matty put his elbow on the counter and dug his fingers into his hair. “You’re gay. Holy _shit_.”

Matt glanced around the juice bar, but no one was looking at them. It was early still and most of the business here was to-go. “So you’re saying you didn’t have any idea before this,” he managed. 

“No, oh my god. How could anybody?” Murr took a long gulp of his juice, not looking away from Matt even as he swallowed and put down his cup. “I’m just gonna go ‘head and state the obvious. You’re married, and you have three kids.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re also…super Catholic.”

“Also that.”

“How did you do all that for…” He did some obvious mental math. “…for twenty years?”

Matt looked out the window at the people passing by on the sidewalk. “It was longer than twenty years. And for a lot of those years, it wasn’t all that hard. I had a set of priorities, and they were professional hockey and a family.” He looked over at Matty. “I’m finally in a position where my priorities can shift a little. Or I can add this one, at least.”

“Yeah, totally.” Matty reached along the counter and touched Matt’s arm, gripping it firmly. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need—just say the word.” At the touch and those words of encouragement, Matt took a deep breath to force back the sudden tightness in his throat. He nodded.

“Thanks, Matty. That means a lot. You’re the first guy on the team I’ve told, so you gotta keep this between you and me for a while.”

“Of course.” He looked so pleased and proud, Matt couldn’t help smiling. “We’ll come up with something great to do for You Can Play. Would you want to do an interview? Or like a dialog or something? We could talk about what it’s been like playing in the league with a secret like this. Have locker rooms changed for the better in the years you’ve been playing? What’s the culture like now versus the 90s? That kind of stuff.”

“That’d be perfect.” Matt took a fortifying swallow of his juice, relieved that Matt had ideas—good ones. “Then it’s not just about me. You can give your perspective, too. The next generation of player—the future of the sport.”

Murr looked like he wished he could take notes. He took out his phone, then set it down. “I want to believe that things are better. Me, personally, I know it’s a spectrum, and we’re all on it somewhere, and very few people are as straight as they’re supposed to be. I mean, the message should be whatever you want it to be, but I think we could do a lot of good just both of us talking about where we fit.”

Matt would need to find an answer for that before he sat down with a microphone clipped to his collar. “Where do you fit?” he asked. 

Murr smiled. “Well, I’m asking Chris to marry me this year, but if you’d asked me that a year or two ago?” He shrugged, but the course of the conversation was officially moved on from YCP.

“Really? Matty, that’s great news!”

“Thanks.” Murr’s smile widened. “I’ve been dying to tell somebody on the team, but none of the guys can keep a secret. I’m just not sure when to go for it.”

Shaking his head, Matt tried not to let the pinch of bitterness in his heart show on his face. “I asked Laura after church the summer before I went to California. I knew her family wouldn’t let her move out with me unless we were married.” He didn’t have much experience with romance beyond the expected public performance of it, but he’d seen Matty and Chris together. “I’d maybe go for something a little bigger than that. Nothing public, though, unless you’re 100 percent sure she’d be into that.”

Murr shook his head. “No, that’s not us. The public thing, I mean. We’ll post pictures after, though, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Matt echoed with a smile. Kid sure did love his Instagram. “ But here I am handing out advice when you didn’t ask for it.”

“No, I kinda did,” Matty huffed. Then he shot Matt a long, searching look. “Hey, um. It’s none of my business, I know, but I’m sorry if things are, uh…hard with your family right now. I hope they’re not hard, obviously, but if they are and you need somebody to talk to who’s gonna take your side…”

Matt forced a laugh and shook his head, touched more than he could say aloud. “Thanks, man. I appreciate that, but it’s a little too close for me to talk about it. I’d rather stick to hockey stuff for now—the interview and moving forward with the announcement.”

“Sure, sure,” Murr said quickly, relieved if Matt was any judge. “I’ll come up with some questions, and you should too, and we’ll put it together.”

“It’s a plan,” Matt agreed. 

Standing abruptly, Murr touched his shoulder. “I feel like we should hug, man. This is fucking major.”

“All right.” He stood by reflex more than anything, but the feel of Matty’s arms tightening around him told him he still had good reflexes. The couple inches Matty had on him let him hook his chin against Matt’s shoulder and the full-body pressure of the hug also told him it’d been too long since he’d touched anyone, let alone a guy, like this. Closing his eyes, he let it linger a little longer than Matty probably expected. But he was a good kid, in touch with his emotional side, and probably glad to be participating in something he could uncomplicatedly feel good about. Goaltending was hard—this was probably easy by comparison. 

“Thanks,” Matt said quietly.

“Any time,” Matty answered.

 

3

Sid took him out to look at houses, and even though Matt had no intention of buying this time around, he went along for the ride. It was a beautiful day for a drive, and Sid was always good company. If Matt didn’t feel like talking, Sid would pick up the slack and all Matt had to do was pay enough attention to make the occasional noise of agreement.

But for as long as he could ramble about hockey, Sid was an observant guy and also not an idiot. When gravel crunched beneath the tires of the car, Matt realized it’d been several minutes since either of them had spoken, and they were pulled off on the side of the road. He straightened in the passenger seat and looked over to see Sid watching him. 

“What’s up?” Matt asked. “Why are we stopped?”

“You’ve barely looked at any of the properties we’ve driven by.”

No, he hadn’t. Because they’d all been for families of five, and the rest of his family wasn’t coming to Pittsburgh this season.

Matt needed to tell him that. There was no reason to hide it any longer—his relationships on the team and with the front office would only suffer the longer he kept this to himself. Still, it seemed like an enormous step, telling his captain that in the process of trying to put his life together, he first had to completely take it apart.

“I—don’t think I’m gonna buy this year. Sorry, I shoulda told you that when you offered to take me around.”

Sid kept one hand on the wheel and shifted in his seat to look more directly at him. “I get that,” he said. “There are some great places just off the highway—condos with three and four bedrooms.”

Matt shook his head. “Sid, uh. Laura and the kids aren’t moving down here.”

His captain got a wary look in his eye. “Why not? Your boys love Pittsburgh.”

Matt regarded him for another long moment. He finally let himself think the words—Sid was really handsome. The angle of his jaw, the thickness of his hair, the way he filled the whole damn driver’s seat—Matt had felt it for years. Putting words to those feelings didn’t make this moment any better or easier. 

“They’re not coming because Laura and I are separating. They’re not speaking to me because I told them this summer that I’m gay.”

*

Sid took him to a bar, but after Sid’s third shot, Matt could only think that he’d taken himself to a bar, and Matt was now DD. Sid could hold his liquor like a champ, though, so after that third one, he sipped his beer, and finally said, “Fuck, man, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry about your family, but this seems like something you’ve gotta do.”

“Yeah, it is,” Matt agreed. He’d have done it sooner had he not been so selfish and afraid.

“Do you think…do you think they’ll come around, though? Your kids?” Sid asked.

Matt rubbed the back of his neck, elbow leaned on the bar. “I hope so. I hope what I’m about to do will make them proud eventually. But they’re old enough to understand that I lied for a long time. They’re old enough to be mad for Laura’s sake.”

“How long has she known?” Sid asked.

“After Bennett was born. We wanted to stop at three kids. And I—” He hesitated, unsure whether to step into this minefield. But Sid had called him the moment the contract was done this summer to welcome him back. Sid had kept in touch the whole year they were in Minneapolis. Sid had hugged him _so_ hard after their second Cup. “I didn’t want to have sex anymore. She deserved to know why.”

“How long did _you_ know?” Sid asked, his gaze so intense and his voice so steady, if Matt hadn’t watched the whiskey slide down his throat, he’d never have known Sid had drunk a drop. 

“That’s a little more complicated.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Sid said. “But I’d like to know.”

Matt nodded. He’d never told another soul this. Not even his priest. Not in all the years he’d been going to confession. “I knew…that Laura was my best friend all through school, and we both wanted a family. I thought sex was for bringing new life into the world, so that was why I did it. I thought how I felt about some of the guys I played with over the years was only a sin if I acted on it. So I didn’t, for as long as I could stand it. Which was fifteen years and three months of marriage—when Bennett was born.”

Sid absorbed this in silence, so Matt kept going.

“After he was born, I told Laura what I knew about myself, and that was it for us. We made it work for the boys for another few years, but the plan was to separate once they were old enough to understand. Old enough to understand exactly what I was putting them through.” Bitterness leeched into his voice, so he took a long swallow of his beer to try to drown it. 

“It’s all my fault,” he said. “I thought I was doing what my church wanted. I thought it was even what I wanted. But it feels like I made a family just to fuck it up out of selfishness.”

Sid shook his head firmly. “No, you’re a good dad. This will turn out all right, I know it. And—” He shook his head again, frown lines between his brows as he ducked a little lower over the bar. “It’s not like it’s easy to square who you are with who you were raised to be. Tell me to fuck off if I’m crossing a line, but…do you have somebody in your church you can talk to?” He looked over at Matt. “I know how important that community is to you.”

Matt shrugged. “Yes and no. Where we grew up, the leadership was very traditional. Hard-liners on all the issues. You probably know the type.” Next to him, Sid nodded, gaze intense. “But moving around so much, we found places that were more forward-looking and inclusive. They’ve helped me get some perspective over the last few years.”

“Good. That’s good. I feel like I could use a little of that myself from time to time.” 

Hesitating, Matt caught himself staring at Sid’s profile. He made the offer while he was still a little distracted. “Hey, if you wanna come with sometime, you’re always welcome. It’s been hard, showing up alone.” 

The corners of Sid’s eyes creased when he smiled, even a little. “Thanks. I might take you up on that sometime. Probably make a bit of a scene, though.”

“We can sit in the back.”

Sid might have been blushing when he took a sip of his beer, but the light was bad in the bar so Matt couldn’t be sure.

4

Matt leaned a little farther over the boards to find Tommy Kuhnhackl spread-eagle on his back on the ice, staring up at the rafters. 

“How could you not tell me?” he asked forlornly. “After all the shit I said to you, how could you not tell me you’re gay?”

The rest of the Islanders had returned to the locker room after their morning skate, but, alone on the visitor’s bench, Matt still checked to be sure they didn’t have an audience. “Tom, I hadn’t told anybody.”

Tom covered his face with his glove. “I told you so much stuff,” he said with a groan, “and this whole time, you knew what I was going through. How could you not tell me?” he repeated. 

“How _could_ I tell you?” Matt asked. “It didn’t feel like the same thing at all. I’m old enough to be your dad. You call me ‘Dad.’”

“If you’d had me when you were fifteen, come on.” Tommy levered himself back up from where he’d fallen dramatically to the ice. “I told you everything, and you kept this huge thing secret.”

“You told me you dated guys and girls in Germany but you were too afraid to tell anyone here. You told me you wished you knew some bi guys in the US so you felt like less of a freak.” Matt touched the Pens logo in the center of his hoodie. “I’m not even a little bit bi. I’m too old for bi stuff.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” Matt tried.

“You could’ve said something,” Tom said stubbornly.

“I couldn’t. I was terrified. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down.” 

Tommy’d told him in the doldrums of mid-season, on their Canadian road-trip. A frigid night in Calgary when the rest of the world seemed remote and Matt’s hotel room must have felt like the safest place. Matt had sat across from him on the bed and hated himself for recognizing that hungry look in Tom’s eyes. And feeling it. Even worse, Tom was a good-looking kid. Matt had found a guy in a bar with the same jaw and a sweet smile not too long before and— He hadn’t done it on purpose, but he hadn’t _not_ thought about it, either. He couldn’t tell Tommy any of that. It felt like a betrayal of the trust Tom had in him.

“You didn’t let me down,” Tom said on an exhale. “You helped me like nobody else did on the team. And you’re telling me now. I’m really glad you’re telling me.”

Matt smiled through the guilt of having Tom’s forgiveness. “I wanted you to know before everyone else. Wanted you to hear it from me.”

Tom’s expression shifted instantly. “Shit, did somebody find out? Are they giving you trouble?” His voice went hushed. “Are they going to the press? Who is it—I’ll kick their ass if we play them.”

Laughing in relief, Matt bumped Tom’s shoulder where he’d leaned in close over the boards. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m doing it on purpose. The interview goes live next week.”

“Holy shit,” Tommy said, eyes wide. “That’s so great. But you’re insane.”

“You think so, huh? You could be right.”

“No, I just mean. You really wanna be the guy who changes everything?” 

Matt shrugged. “Why not? I waited just long enough to have nothing left to lose.”

“You have plenty to lose. But you’ll inspire so many people. I’m still too chickenshit to tell anybody else,” Tom said quietly. 

“You’re not chickenshit, come on,” Matt said firmly. “I’m really proud you trusted me with that part of yourself.” There was no point fighting this instinct. He would always be this guy, and it would always be weird navigating that with his attraction to men. 

Tom ducked his head and smiled. “I would…I’d totally kiss you for luck right now, but. Chickenshit.”

Case in point. Matt huffed a quick laugh, even as he flushed, then held his breath as Tom shot him a sidelong look. 

And Matt may have only taken his first steps into the gay scene within the last few years, but he could read a guy’s body language. The way Tommy’s breath hitched and his eyelashes flickered—Matt was about to get kissed. 

It was a cool, dry press of lips that was chaste and somehow full of longing at the same time. He closed his eyes as Tom pulled back and exhaled softly against his mouth. “Not all chickenshit,” he said, maybe to himself. 

“Not at all,” Matt answered. 

5

“So, I guess I just want to say, I’ve played hockey since I can remember. I’ve played in the NHL for over twenty years. I’ve won three Cups, and I’ve been gay the whole time, so. If you can play, then you can play. And I hope this is the start of long conversation with as many voices as possible.”

“Thanks, Matt.”

“Any time, Matt.”

Matt watched the video of himself sitting with Murr—the two of them grinning at each other in the Pens’ dressing room—slouched down in his seat and with a hand partially shielding his eyes, even as the screen went black. His face felt as red as a tomato. He supposed it made sense everyone would watch the interview where the whole team reviewed game tape, but he still hadn’t expected his face to be that big. And, shit, he should’ve shaved his neck. 

His jumble of thoughts momentarily blocked out the absolute silence that had fallen around him, but he did eventually notice it. And it was deafening. 

Glancing around the room, he found all the guys looking first at each other, then at him. Murr was frowning, waiting. So was Sid.

Coach cleared his throat. “All right then.”

“So, I’m gay,” Matt said, though he couldn’t remember authorizing his mouth or his voice to say that. He was also standing now. “This seemed like the best way to let you know. Sorry it wasn’t sooner, but it really couldn’t have been any sooner than this.”

Rusty let out a jittery laugh, and Sid rose from his seat in the same moment, pulling on his Captain Hat. “We’ve got your back,” he said. “Every one of us.”

“Yeah, man,” Phil said from right next to him. He reached over and up for a fist bump, and Matt gave him one. “This is really fucking cool of you.”

“Let’s hear it for Cully,” Rusty said, pressing up out of his chair. “He’s our dad, and he’s gay. He’s our gay dad.”

“Yeah!” one of the young guys said, though Matt didn’t catch who, because Rusty and Phil started a slow clap that quickly escalated. Pretty soon everybody was standing and clapping. Applause for being gay and successfully hiding it for forty years. Holy shit. 

A few of the guys hugged him—Phil, because they were seated together. Phil had spent Christmas Eve at his house, playing floor hockey with the boys and joking with Laura, but he had his arms around Matt now. Rusty shoved his way in, too, because he’d always been a hugger. He smacked Matt’s arm and said, “Love you, Dad.” And Matt’s heart swelled, where all through the screening of the interview, it’d felt like the whole team was seated on it.

Horny grabbed his face and, before Matt knew what was happening, kissed him right on the mouth, close-lipped and as hard as he did everything else. 

“I like to kiss everybody,” he said, gripping Matt by the shoulders. “Guys, girls. I love kissing _so much_. And I’m straight.”

“Okay,” Matt said. He made sure it didn’t sound like a question.

“I’ve wanted to tell everybody that, but you Americans are so worried about everything.”

“We already know you love kissing, man,” Tanger said, laughter in his voice and a smirk on his face. 

“Good, ‘cause if Cully is brave enough to be gay with you assholes, I’m going to kiss you all the fucking time now.”

A collective groan went up around the room, but Horny just grinned at everybody, then at Matt, and Matt grinned right back at him. 

They were travelling tomorrow, so the team meeting broke up pretty quick after that. Matt got a bunch more back slaps and hugs from his team, the coaches, and the equipment guys. Michelle and Sam were there, too, and by the end of the whole thing, Meesh was dabbing carefully at her eye makeup and smiling so wide, Matt’s face hurt a little just looking at her. 

Or maybe his face hurt from all the smiling he’d done. All the happiness at sharing this with his team and none of the ugliness that lurked just underneath. No one asked him about his family, but he could see the questions in their faces. Not everyone hugged him, and he wasn’t sure whose space they were respecting there. 

When it was only Matty and Sid left in the video room, he didn’t want to hug anymore, anyway. He didn’t even really want to touch anyone. But he let Matty pull him in for one more, because this had taken it out of both of them. 

Matt’s admissions had outweighed Murr’s by a good margin, but he’d shared plenty, too, just as they’d planned. Stuff about figuring out how to define his masculinity in the midst of some childhood bullying over his appearance and style. The way he’d talked had sounded gayer than Matt felt, honestly, but what the hell did Matt know about gender identity, anyway?

Sid hung back with him as Matty headed back to the locker room. They stood together in the empty hallway, close enough their elbows brushed, both of them with hands in their pockets. Feeling like he’d just played three periods of hockey with no intermission, Matt said nothing. 

The thought of his quiet, empty apartment unsettled him. He knew he should want peace and solitude after all this, but his life had been noisy kids and noisy teammates for so long, it felt more like a tomb waiting for him. If the first quarter of this season on his own had taught him anything, it was that he wasn’t built for solitude. 

“Want some company?” Sid asked. 

As far as Matt knew, Sid couldn’t read minds, but Matt didn’t put anything past Sid. He hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

“Cool. I’ve got some stuff to do first, but I can stop by later with dinner?”

“Oh, uh.” Matt’s stomach dropped in a way it hadn’t in years. There was the adrenalin rush of hooking up—that breathless moment of possibility that Matt was only just discovering. But this wasn’t that. “You don’t have to bring food,” he finally managed. 

“You have anything to eat at your place?”

“No.” He’d lived his whole life with somebody else to cook for him, and he hadn’t got the timing of those meal delivery services worked out with their road schedule yet.

Sid’s smile was small, and he ducked his eyes a little. “So I’ll bring something over.”

Matt could hardly breathe—his stomach was so heavy, it tugged on his lungs. “Sure. Great.”

They walked back to the locker room together.

+1

The buzz at his door came about fifteen minutes after Matt had dropped his bag in the living room and gone back to his bedroom to change into his sleep clothes. His gut told him who waited to be let in, and when he checked at the intercom, it was Sid who answered.

“Sorry, I know it’s late, but could I come up for a few minutes?”

Matt closed his eyes and bumped his forehead gently against the wall. “Of course,” he said. “Everything all right?”

“Yeah, I just…”

He just wanted Matt to open the damn door for him. “Come on up, Sid,” he said, buzzing him in and opening his damn door. Leaving it ajar, he crossed to his kitchen and pulled a couple beers out of the fridge. Hearing the heavy tread of Sid’s feet on the stairs a moment before his door hinges creaked, Matt braced his hands on his counter and took a deep breath. He looked up to find Sid in his apartment, standing in his living room with a rough look in his eyes.

In the weeks since Matt had come out to the team, Sid had been in his apartment more than a few times. He was starting to look like he belonged there. Matt had no idea what to do with how much he wanted Sid to belong there. 

“What’s up?” he finally asked, when Sid had said nothing. His voice came out more of a croak. 

“There’s something I…” The color had drained from his face. He was still in his suit from the game, though he didn’t have his carry-on from their flight or his jacket. His sleeves were rolled up, and it was not warm enough to be dressed like that in Pittsburgh in December.

“You know how there’re some things you think you’ll just keep to yourself for your whole life?” he finally said. “Like, you’ve known since you were a kid, and you’ve made peace with your shit, so nobody else ever has to hear about it?”

Matt nodded, not trusting himself to speak. 

Sid rubbed the back of his neck. “That might not… might not be good enough for me anymore.”

Matt cleared his throat to get his voice going. “Something you want me to hear about?” He offered Sid the beer, and Sid crossed the room to accept it, but he retreated quickly, putting the couch between them again. It was an open-concept apartment, so Matt stayed in the kitchen. 

Sid took a long gulp of the beer and didn’t answer Matt’s question. Until he did.

“When I was younger,” he said, “I used to get these awful crushes. On different guys. Older guys, usually.” Sid’s mouth made the words, but his eyes were distant. Matt tried to meet them and couldn’t—Sid was somewhere else. “They were awful,” he said again. “I’d get so twisted up, hockey was the only thing I could focus on. But they were safe, too. ‘Cause no way in hell was I ever, _ever_ going for any of these guys. They were married. They had kids.” Sid shifted his weight, put the beer down on the coffee table, and put his hands in his pockets. “I wasn’t gay if I never made a move, and I could never make a move, so.”

Goosebumps rose along the backs of Matt’s arms at the image, whether Sid meant it to be so vivid or not. He could never make a move, so he never moved. Matt had never conceived of his own denial so literally. To the point of paralysis. Locked away inside his own body. No space to move or breathe. Smothered but never forgotten.

“I’m not that kid anymore,” Sid said. Finally, his gaze dragged to Matt’s, and Matt drew in a deep breath by reflex, a reminder that he could. 

“But I do have a type.” Sid’s mouth twitched.

Matt exhaled just as sharply. “Fuck.” He gripped his beer bottle too hard in his right hand, his kitchen counter holding him up. He didn’t think he had any brave things left in him. “And now, uh. Now you can make a move.”

Sid may have nodded, but he was also coming around the couch, toward Matt, and Matt couldn’t look away from his feet crossing the floor. He’d taken off his shoes. If Matt cared to look, he’d find them by the front door. His socks made soft shushing sounds on Matt’s tile as he circled around the counter. They stopped a short distance from him. 

“If you’re not ready…” Sid said quietly. “Or you don’t—”

Matt finally looked up to the truth of Sid in his kitchen, bowlegs in navy suit pants, dress shirt snug around his chest and arms. The color had returned to his face, and his mouth was red, red. 

“No, I’m really fucking ready,” Matt said. He looked Sid in the eye. “Seems like you’re right there too, eh, babe?”

Sid smiled crookedly, the lines around his eyes deepening. He had more gray hair than Matt did. Somehow this settled everything firmly in Matt’s mind and he reached for Sid without having to think about it any harder than that.

His fingers closed first around the meat of Sid’s shoulder, then slid up to the back of his neck as Sid grabbed at his waist and pulled him in. They kissed, and it was just as artless and breathless as Matt imagined his first kisses would have been twenty-five years ago when he might have had them. Sid made a tight sound into his mouth and gripped him even harder. 

They were a cliché, Matt was sure. Two repressed gay guys finding sex decades late, but to Matt—getting his hands on Sid's broad back—he felt like some kind of pioneer of the field. They were inventing sex as they went. Nobody’d held each other like this. Nobody’d ever kissed with as much soul. Nobody had ever felt a granite countertop against their kidneys and thought, _Yes, more of this, just like this._

“How fast do you wanna go right now?” Sid asked, turning his mouth away, his chin already pink from Matt’s stubble. “I feel like I want everything at once, so tell me to slow down.”

Matt shook his head, his lips buzzing. “Don’t slow down.”

Sid grinned. “Couch?”

“Yeah, couch. Good idea.” Who would have thought to have sex on a couch? Brilliant.

*

They didn’t even make it out of their clothes. Matt found that, after years of proximity to naked men, he wanted to savor the skin Sid exposed to him. That, and Sid had gotten his mouth on Matt’s dick with his sweats shoved down just enough, and nothing could have been hotter. In Matt’s universe, anything more and he would’ve had a stroke. A handful of minutes, and he was arching into Sid’s mouth, his fingers dug deep in Sid’s hair. 

He’d had sex with men, after he’d come clean to Laura. Rushed, guilty, and anonymous. But like hell could he remember any of their faces now. Not with Sid under him and his hand down the front of those navy suit pants. Not with Sid’s fingers clenched against the seatback cushion and his mouth open on a ragged groan as he shot all over his dress shirt and dribbled over Matt’s knuckles. 

At least he had tissues close by. Of all the day-to-day family stuff Laura had taken care of, Matt had at least internalized, _Have tissues close by. Someone’s nose is running._ He had no idea when or if his kids would visit him this season, but he’d be ready for their allergies, anyway. Allergies and the spunk on Sid’s shirt.

*

After they were cleaned up, Matt offered Sid a clean shirt, which drew Sid into his bedroom. From there, it was short work to lend him a pair of sweats and one of the extra toothbrushes Matt had bought in hopes his kids would stay with him. Sid accepted whatever Matt put in his hands. He accepted when Matt invited him to bed.

They lay on top of the comforter, Sid’s head pillowed on Matt’s arm, and Matt said, looking up at the ceiling, “I’m no good at casual. Never really done it.”

Sid made a quiet sound of invitation and rolled toward him. “No?” he said.

“I married my best friend even though I wasn’t in love with her, just so we could have kids.”

“That’s pretty hardcore,” Sid acknowledged. 

“So I’m saying I don’t know how to be casual with this.” He turned his head on the pillow to look at Sid.

Sid shrugged one shoulder. “I’m not sure I’ve ever done anything casually in my whole life. I’m certainly not gonna casually date a teammate.”

“My life is back in Minnesota. I have to go back there to be close to my kids, even if they hate me.”

Sid said nothing to that, his eyes intense. 

“But. My life is here, too. That’s why I came back. My life is just getting started here.”

Sid’s mouth twitched in a smile. “Mine too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I made up the names of Matt Cullen's wife and kids. A) I don't know them and B) it just seems safer.
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr!](http://itstartledme.tumblr.com/)


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